5/2 Assisting Billy
Excited to see how he works, he’s got a 25 page document with every look mapped out and ideas for all of the ways it could be used in a publication. I haven’t done one of these in a few days and as usual my thoughts and feelings have shifted a lot. Also as usual it’s not that the truth and knowledge of anything is changing, it’s that I cannot relate to the world in the same way. I feel like I am always falling out of touch with life, like a space shuttle falling out of orbit. Or maybe it is the orbit, and I am being pulled along rigid lines, but headlessly trying to orient myself to fixed point on the sphere around which I am moving. Can you tell I’ve been reading orbital!
Last night I had a bath and watched the tintin episodes about space. I had just dropped my parents off at the airport, to go on their own journey around the earth. On the way back I imagined every plane had them in it. The lights were dazzling in the mist, alien and full of nostalgic mystery. I ran the bath to relax, I’d been anticipating this day of travel followed by the assisting with a growing base anxiety.
On Tuesday I had a day where I really needed to take a moment to and calm down, but I kept getting sucked in to more and more stress. I’ve realised more than ever that the priority had to be staying level, and that from there I can do everything I can do, and whatever doesn’t fit into that will not feel important once I have done what I can. When a list is a list, it feels like adding more is always worthy. When a list is done, what matters most is how it was done. Affirming words for today! There’s a lot more I want to say, about the world and how I feel scared of it and scared that I am not doing enough and not aiming in the right direction to be a good part of it. But I need to run for my train now!